Friday, October 15, 2010

Toot-toot! All aboard the pity train!

I can't be the first mother to rely on breastfeeding as my baby's number one source for food in her 8th month but neither can I help but feel like I'm doing something wrong.  I've never spent too much effort on feeding myself well, so the ability to nurse Robyn instead of preparing something for her is pure laziness and disturbingly selfish. Now that I've found daycare for her that she will start part-time in November, this lack of preparedness must be reconciled.

I have the tools and the resources, now I need to put everything into action. I even know how easy it is to do, we manage to feed Robyn something at dinner time and breakfast time at Mina and Dave's. I allow myself to justify my lack of motivation due to the fact that Robyn and I are alone 3 nights a week but that's just ridiculous. Many moms are alone with babies and often more than one child and manage just fine. I can also prepare food when Morgan is home during the day. Like I said I know this - it's despicable how I've continued to put it off again and again.

My shoulder devil is saying "You tried to use the food mill today and it didn't work, don't be so hard on yourself!". This is true but what she isn't saying is "Did you even think to use the blender? No. You just cussed about it and decided to nurse her instead. Shame on you." - that would be my shoulder angel talking, I tend to ignore her too often.

I googled how to use a food mill this evening and will give it a whirl tomorrow. Tonight I'm indulging in letting the girl sleep on her nursing pillow, watching some sort of girly movie, reading Cosmo and perhaps even ordering in some Greek On Wheels.

On a different yet self loathing note, the most pitiful thing is how lonely I so often am. I have many friends, or acquaintances I guess, who are new moms or have babies Robyn's age but for someone so outgoing I seem to lack the skills to keep a close friend network. Blame it on "how strong and independent" I am, as I am described by many. Blame it on my lack of self-confidence that these people even like me. I could even blame it on laziness, it's easier to be alone than make an effort to stay close. But whatever the case may be, with all the people I know, I don't have many I can call close friends and that makes me sad.  At least I have an activity I enjoy doing three times a week that's out of the house and is kind of social. With everyone's lives being so busy, Facebook and texting seem to be our preferred means of communication. I miss human interaction - I am considering closing my account because waiting to see if anyone "likes" or "comments" on your status or links is depressing... but how else can I broadcast my new blog posts?

Oh, woe is me. Life could be so much harder; I really should not complain.


  1. Em, you are a wonderful Mom, and an amazing person. Never doubt that. I love you and enjoy very much spending time with you. Anytime you feel lonely you can come by. I know its hard traveling with a baby, and if I wasn't such a baby about driving in the city I could come to your place. xxxxxxx

  2. oops that comment was from me.

  3. Emily, Your words about close friends are so similar to how I felt when I was younger. You are concentrating on rearing your child, nothing wrong with that. Close friends are in spirit not in effort and as you age, your traits of being strong and independent will cause friends to seek you out. Trust me on that one. Audrey.

  4. Dear heart,
    I too think you are a wonderful Mom, and I ought to know.

    As for the friend thing, keep working on that. Being aware is a good first step, but actually building something into your schedule would be even better. Just don't get your agenda so busy there's no room for your mom. XX